i am

so. fucking. lucky.

'nuff said.

what i like

eat raw cookie dough. take naps. laugh ALOT.

love more than you are loved. understand more than you are understood. accept more than you are accepted.

be happy. be true. be free.

surrender to what is. believe in god. commit to life.

and smile.

meltdowns and realizations

"don't compare apples and oranges," they say. what an annoying saying. mostly it's just annoying because it's what i need to hear.

i constantly compare myself with everyone else, like it's me versus everyone else in some weird competition. i need to be reminded daily that it's NOT A COMPETITION. it's just life. the only measurement that matters is the distance between who i used to be and who i am today. my own progress is the only thing i need be concerned with. when i focus on my journey, i am happy and content and i love myself. when i get comparison-crazy, i am irritable and self-loathing. it seems so black and white, but my delusional mind often blurs these lines.

so i'll say it again, just so it'll sink through my thick skull into my heart:

the only journey that matters is mine.

the only experience that matters is mine.

the only progress that matters is mine.

because its MY story. MY reality. MY life. and so i'll just live it, ride it out, and try to cause the least amount of harm along the way.

news flash!

first of all, apparently NASA is bombing the moon today in search of water in space? good ol' human nature, makin' us so dang curious. here's a fun fact: without the gravitational pull of the moon, the earth would rotate in only 6 hours! let's just hope NASA doesn't accidentally demolish the entire moon. i can barely fit my life into 24-hour days... i don't even want to imagine 6-hour days.

secondly, i just today found out about the new fad in partying. SUPPOSEDLY kids are getting drunk by putting alcohol into their... erm... body cavities. for example, guys do anal beer bongs and girls soak their tampons in vodka before sticking them up their vag. KIDS THESE DAYS! i'm just glad i got of the part scene before the whole up-the-vag thing caught on. i imagine it would burn.

tuesday's lesson

goal of adulthood: try to regain the same happiness, peace, and freedom i felt as a kindergartner.

MICRO PIGS!!!

blogging is the new sex... almost.

new blog stuff. commenting is once again enabled. stalker should be very happy.

ever notice how the best pieces of wisdom are concealed in the most routinely random things? and actually, they aren't usually concealed at all. my quote of the week is from stupidbook#32 that i am required to read for my intellectual heritage class. (sidenote: my professor's degree is in medieval gardening. MEDIEVAL GARDENING!!!) anyhoo, the quote is:

you don't need to display the sun by the light of a lantern.

good, eh? after reading this, first i thought of how when i'm wearing really nice shoes, i never point them out to anyone, but when i wear shoes that i'm a little self-conscious about, i draw attention to them. the second thing i thought about after reading aforementioned quote was the jesus brigade that is plotting to overrun temple university. they stand on the corners of campus shouting about how YOU MUST LET JESUS BE YOUR ONE AND ONLY SAVIOR OR YOU WILL BURN IN HELL DAMNATIONDAMNATIONDAMNATION!!! but... if they're really all that psyched about god and all their other religious what-nots, why must they shout it? they are totally being lanterns. excruciatingly annoying lanterns.

i'm confused as to why my jaw hurts. it feels like i was giving alot of head, but i wasn't giving alot of head, and so my confusion grows.

speaking of giving head, watch my favorite comics suck off mrs. claus!

i'm back

i haven't written in forever. i think that's a good sign.

my life is flying by, like usual. have you ever read a really really good book that you're so into that you just can't put down? you start a chapter and get so into it, get so engulfed in that world, you forget about time and traffic jams and the cookies burning in the oven (oops) and just readreadread. then wham! before you know it the chapter is over, though you didn't see it coming and may not even be ready for it. luckily, there's another chapter sitting right there waiting for you. it's a weird analogy, i know, but this is the way i feel about my life. it's just zooming on by, almost without my permission.

in other news, i'm still a fucking insane drug addict. i haven't had the obsession to drink or use drugs for some months now, but lately my addictive personality has been expressing itself in other ways. it's so strange, and also extremely annoying, how i can become obsessed with the silliest, littlest things, so long as it gives me just a tiny bit of escape. it's true that many of these new addictions aren't nearly as devastating as drugs and alcohol, but they are still just as unmanageable and i am still just as powerless over them. i'm trying not to beat myself up over this. i'm not hopeless like i used to be. today i have a network of people i can talk to and a set of principles i can apply to every single one of my problems. after all, progress, not perfection, right?

last night i found out that a good friend of mine relapsed. she had two years clean and went out on headache medicine. the thing is, though, she was talking to her sponsor, she was going to meetings, and she was working steps. she was doing what she was supposed to. but she relapsed on prescription drugs. i guess that's the insanity of addiction. like, no matter how many times i make coffee or chair meetings or read the big book, the option to pick up is always there. i'm in no way saying i want to get high; it's just a scary realization that IF I DID WANT TO, i could. right now. i'm only one choice away from being right back where i was 10 months ago...

i am so thankful AA is based upon sharing our experience with others. hearing stories of others relapsing keeps it real. sometimes i get so caught up in sobriety and spirituality and resentments and meetings and the book and blahblahblah that i forget why i'm doing all of this. i forget the immense amount of pain i was trapped in, how hopeless i was, how dead i was. when my friend shared about her relapse, it reminded me. she was so sad, so full of shame and regret, just crumbling underneath her pain... it reminded me why i'm living this life. i'm not doing this to be the best, to meet guys, to be the most popular, or anything along those lines. i do this shit to stay alive, bottom line.

alright alright alright. babbling over, and family guy just came on. ta ta for another few months most likely.

saturday night

so apparently i spoke too soon in my last blog.  my boyfriend and i broke up last night.  i went all in, but i guess he couldn't handle the heat.  we both ended up folding.

it sucks, and i'm hurting, but i know it was for the best.  the relationship was getting me away from myself and my serenity.  i think i'm handling things pretty well.  i'm riding out the pain and not beating myself up.  i'm being good to myself and allowing others to help me.

i'm also really proud of myself because i didn't respond to pain in my usual way:  getting high and running away.  i'm obviously still sober, and, despite my initial instinct, i didn't flee to my parent's house.  philly is my home now, and this is where my support is.  growing up hurts.  :-/  at least i have meetings and my sponsor to help me through.

i don't know where i'd be without my sponsor.  she really is the best friend i've ever had.  i'm so grateful to have her in my life.  there's a few others, too, that have no idea how much they mean to me.  the unconditional love they give me is almost unbelievable.  

i'll be okay.  it'll all be OOOOHHHH - KAY.

it's been a while

long time, no write, i know.  my one single follower must be losing her mind.

anyhoo, life is going pretty good.  just to update:  i have a job now babysitting for a one-year old.  i am trying to learn from him, because he seems like he has a pretty good grip on this whole "life" thing.  gonna be nine months sober soon.  i really thought i would have relapsed by now!  still with boyfriend.  we've gotten past the stage of "OMG YOUR PERFECT KISS KISS KISS LOOK INTO MY EYES ALL DAY LONG" and now we are onto the stage of "so... wait... you're NOT perfect?  hmm... okay, i think i can deal with that."  i sent him a letter explaining that, despite our recent fights, which have really unveiled some of our most unsettling character defects, i'm still ALL IN.  boys understand things better when they are said in poker terminology.

the most exciting thing going on in my life right now is my new literary project.  brace yourself:  I AM ATTEMPTING TO WRITE A BOOK.  said book will probably take years to complete, that is, if i ever make it past page one.  i want to write a step-by-step guide on how to get to know yourself.  i want to express the process through equations and easy-to-follow directions, so even over-analytic people such as myself can grasp it.  my ultimate goal:  to publish the manual on how to live that i wish i had received years ago.  we'll see how it goes.

it's about to rain.  i feel like it hasn't rained in weeks.  it's funny that people usually get so sad about rain, but plants probably get really happy when they see the sky start to cloud over.  judging by the quickly darkening sky, the plants of philadelphia are in for a great evening.  :-)